Communication

Communication is something I feel many of us take for granted; myself included. We assume that we communicate well because we are able to converse with friends, family and those around us. We share stories and information, ask questions, and explain our thinking.  But what happens when your communication hits a rough spot? Maybe you need help clearing up a misunderstanding, standing up for yourself in an argument, or you need help interacting with someone who always thinks they are right. If you’ve experienced any of these situations, I highly recommend checking out Jefferson Fisher. He is a trial lawyer in Texas who I came across about a year and a half ago. For the past two and a half to three years he has been making short videos in the front seat of his vehicle between court cases and meetings with clients, sharing ideas on how to improve people’s communication. Each reel focuses on a particular situation, in which Fisher offers his viewers three practical suggestions on what to say.

Not that long ago, Fisher appeared as a guest on the Mel Robbins Podcast. Here he shared that, “What you say, is who you are. Your personality comes across in the words you choose and how you say them.” It is how you are perceived and how others experience you as a person. For example, if you are a kind person, you will say kind things. Just like if you are a rude person, many of the comments that come out of your mouth will be rude. Fisher is absolutely correct; it’s through the words that people say and how they say them that helps us decide if we would like to spend more time around them, or less.

Miscommunication is bound to happen regardless of who you spend time with - friends, family members, or co-workers. Fisher says the reason this happens is that the message that gets sent is not the same message that is received. In these situations, it’s usually pretty common for one, if not both parties, to get their back up, especially if one asks the other why they said or did something. When this happens, it’s challenging not to feel like you’re being attacked. Instead of defaulting to anger, Fisher recommends asking the other person what they heard. Then a conversation can occur around the intention of the message. When someone asks why you said something, Fisher explains that it feels like they are undermining your credibility. Instead, he suggests using the word ‘what’ to ask a why question. In other words, rather than asking, “Why did you say that?” change it to “What was going through your head when you said that?” or “What was it that you heard?” Asking a 'what' question in the pursuit of understanding shows curiosity and empathy and is more likely to be received warmly than an accusation. I can see how this could help de-escalate a situation and promote conversation aimed at understanding, rather than a need to be right.

In saying this, how many of you out there feel the need to be right during an argument? And how has that worked out for you? I am certainly guilty of this, and I can honestly say I haven’t had the best results. Fisher says that arguments are not something to win, rather he suggests looking at an argument as something to unravel. As you are no doubt aware, arguments only get worse when each person digs in their heels to prove that they are right. But what if instead, you looked at the problem as something that needed to be untangled? I really like this perspective. Just thinking about it, calms my nervous system. Imagine how useful this approach would be in a heated situation. After all, fighting to “win” an argument is clearly going to cause more harm to your relationship than good.

Regarding having to engage in a difficult conversation with someone, Fisher says not to beat around the bush. He offers that making small talk to warm yourself and the other person up to the main point, tells the other person that you don’t believe they have enough resiliency to handle whatever it is you need to say to them. However, if you preface what your message with a warning such as, “This isn’t going to be a fun conversation, but there’s something that I need to talk to you about”, people will admire you more for respecting them enough to get straight to the point. You shouldn’t have to make someone sift through your words and discomfort to find your intended message. You can still be kind, but just rip off the band-aid and allow the other person to hear your message directly. From what I’ve seen, people generally feel guilty knowing that they are going to hurting someone’s feelings and they think they are being kinder if they soften the blow. Fisher’s approach helps the other person receive the news more positively: “I’m telling you this because you deserve to know the truth.” Doing so, lifts the receiver up and helps put them in a mindset that they can handle whatever it is you need to tell them. Fisher says that by telling people the quality you want them to have, they will rise into it. What I mean by this is, you might say something like, “Joanna, I’m telling you this because I know you have an open mind.” It directs the Joanna to think that she does indeed have an open mind. Have I tried this? No, but as a teacher, I can see this working when solving a problem with my students. I could also see myself using this kind of an approach when interacting with my peers if I needed to have a difficult conversation with them.

There are so many other wonderful pieces of advice that Fisher has to offer. However, rather than go on here, I encourage you to check him out on social media. As well, here is a link to his website: https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/. Fisher has his own podcast, he sends out regular newsletters, and his first book The Next Conversation just dropped. Talk about a busy guy. I am extremely grateful to have stumbled across him and find great value in his advice. I have a deeper appreciation that my words really do tell people who I am and that what I say and how I say it, impacts my entire life. How we speak to others determines who our partner is, how we gain and maintain friendships, and it impacts how our children/students respond to us.

Thankfully, if we’re not happy with how we interact, it’s never too late to bring about change. By improving how we communicate, we can positively impact our life, our relationships, and the future we’d like to create. And the good news is, anyone can learn to be a better at it. It doesn’t matter if you are a shy, introverted person or if you are comfortable talking in front of others, there is always room for improvement. Hopefully, the tips I have provided in this blog post will cause you to reflect on the way you interact with others and ultimately help to enhance your communication.